War and peace

You know when you just can't stop yourself from saying something even though it's guaranteed to stir up a storm? Why is it that I'm so stupid that I don't know when to keep my big mouth shut? The utter despair I have at this situation is simply destroying me. One of the best things in my life is also the thing which brings so much heartache and I'm completely powerless to change that. So I wear my heart on my sleeve knowing only too well that it will get me nowhere. As is often the case, I'm on a bus home from London at the moment. The sky is grey and distinctly reflective of my mood. I might be misconstrued as irritable or miserable, but in reality I'm neither; I'm just lost! For regular blog readers I'm sure it is obvious why I'm suffering. It is indeed related to that boy that I stumbled upon back in April; the boy who everybody just has to speculate over. He has been a close friend since day one and after getting to know him more and more my worst fears have been confirmed.....he's wonderful! Even when he's dreadful, he's wonderful. Watching him perform the other night my heart swelled in my chest with sheer pride and excitement. I feel touched and humbled that somebody so precious could ever give me the time of day. But it's a conundrum. It should absolutely not be this gut wrenching every time I say goodbye. I can deny myself the truth indefinitely but it is becoming impossible to not want more. This is when I get really angry.... Why oh why would life be so cruel as to show me what I want like bait on a fish hook? I don't have a private jet I can charter to fly me 300 miles every day. I don't have magic answers for everything or indeed any solutions. I don't look pretty, I'm too clumsy and I'm stupidly over the top with my honesty. I cry at silly things like puppies and daffodils and I can't make gravy without lumps in. Worst of all I can't be good enough for anyone it seems. If I never tried to make this happen I'd have never forgiven myself. At worst I've met a beautiful person who has their name etched in my soul for always. I treasure every single second we spend together. He's so funny that boy, everyone loves him. Whatever happens from now on I'm going to have to toughen up and leave the tears behind me. Apologies for the depressing entry, I have to write it down to remind myself how silly I am. Make no mistake about it, there's no intention of morbidity. I spoke to the boy ten minutes ago, he's not going anywhere yet. It's very daunting to think of private feelings being read on the Internet but sometimes I just don't care. Hopefully me and my over sized mouth aren't going to get in any more trouble this week. As for the boy, I hope I see that silly crazy man soon :) :)